Saturday, November 17, 2012

American Dark Side Horror Story

It starts out looking like one of those cute YouTube videos of an adorable creature being fed something, most likely a sweet fruit, and eating said sweet fruit with a gluttonous gusto normally only seen in humans. In this case, we have a semi-attractive (and busty, of course) blonde zookeeper cradling a tortoise in her left arm. She is telling the audience that we’re going to see if the tortoise would like a star fruit. She adds some scientific dialogue that sounds believable about how we’re not sure if this particular tortoise will eat a star fruit. You see, this is a rare tortoise that because of blah, blah, geography/science-ey stuff, we haven’t had a chance to observe yet.

So, she picks up the star fruit with her right hand, & offers it to the tortoise. It slowly, but surely, strains its neck a bit to take a bite. “He’s eating it!” she exclaims. Then with a comically uncharacteristic swiftness, it takes a second bite. She laughs with the sort of “Aww, isn’t it cute. As a human, these clearly inferior creatures amuse me” disrespectful patronizing bullshit fucking tone that all of the animals secretly hate. Catching her breath with a big smile she proclaims “I think he likes it!” Again with the mocking & the condescending. The juice of the fruit runs down her fingers, hand, & wrist. The tortoise slowly strains its neck a bit further, and takes a 3rd bite, which finishes the fruit, her index finger, her thumb, and the part of her hand that comes with the digits. She screams, holding up her gushing right arm & dropping the tortoise with her left. As she does, we see the front claw of the tortoise dig its nails into her flesh. It is clutching her collarbone. As she screams and bleeds, the other claw does the same: sinking its sharp reptilian nails into her skin. Now it has her collarbones gripped like handlebars. Now its rear claws do the same sinking into her ribcage. Keep thinking handlebars. As she falls to the ground, consumed with horror, the turtle takes a bite out of her neck. The sound is a wet crunch, like a child chomping on a celery stick. She inhales, but as much blood as air is pulled into her gaping esophagus. Exhaling, the sound is equal parts death rattle & bong hit. The tortoise finishes the neck. The blood runs fast, you can hear it like a running brook. It removes its claws, and starts to crawl away. As it walks past the head, it turns around, & takes a bite out of the top of her skull: hair & all. This comes with a sound effect that really needs to stand out to reflect just how much effortless force the sharp beak of the tortoise possesses. Then it reaches its head in & takes a squishy bite of brain that sounds like a slurp. Fade out: the head is gone & the tortoise is taking a bite out of her shoulder, zoo uniform & all. Fade out all that is left is the sole & the tip of one zoo-issued boot, with the tip of the bloody foot as well. The tortoise eats the thick heal of the boot’s sole, chomping its way towards the last bit of flesh as the camera fades.

1 comment:

  1. '...equal parts death rattle bong hit is fukkin' so great! This is very good and you already know I think this type shit here is your true calling...However...The onlly modification I would make to this, ahem,story is this. Make the zoo keeper more easy to hate. Smarmier, dumber, arrogant etc...Whatever m'man. Thourghly enjoyed this installment of zen nilhism....Pleez do more. your editor...Bartholemew Von Knoveren 3